I hear this question a lot. Not only do we want to obey the word “forgive one another” (Eph 4:32), but we also want freedom. But forgiveness is more than freedom. It’s the opportunity to experience greater intimacy with Christ.
Some time ago I experienced a betrayal from a friend, a brother. The cost was more than emotional – it hit my family, my work, my reputation. It took over a year to untangle my own heart (counselling helped. One day, in a moment of prayer, light dawned. I had forgiven. Here are five stages – or dimensions – of forgiveness from scripture which may bring you into the joyful liberation of forgiveness.
A note to start: reconciliation, trust and forgiveness are related, but not the same. These principles apply when reconciliation is possible, and when it isn’t.
Enjoy Jesus
Our Sunday school teachers were right. Jesus is the answer. The reason so many saints advocate for a daily time of prayer isn’t legalism – it’s joy. There is one sure way to keep a fresh, joyful heart in a broken world. That’s to keep close with the resurrected Jesus.
As the old hymnist rightly sings:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
In light of Jesus, who he is, what he has done, everything else seems so small. Problems, opposition, offences… they all carry a different weight when placed beside the glory of the Lord. As King David discovered,
I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Psalm 16:8
The Apostle Paul was opposed and betrayed. As he defends the gospel, hear how precious grace is to his own soul:
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
What kept Paul afloat? What kept him joyful, thankful, hopeful for the future? The preciousness of Christ. He knew daily the presence of God. He drank deeply of the grace of God. He contemplated always the goodness of God. The good news had grown deep roots into his heart.
Enjoy Christ. Receive grace daily through personal confession. Bring your troubles to him in prayer. Bury his word in your heart. Set the Lord before you always, and you will not be shaken. Savour Christ.
Acknowledge your wounds
This is counter-intuitive, but you need to acknowledge your wounds. Even label them and list them out.
Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll — are they not in your record?
Psalm 56:8
God sees. He knows. An authentic journey to forgiveness requires that we acknowledge our wounds. Make a record of what was done. Consider the flow-on effects and collateral damage. Be detailed. Be honest. Get help from a counsellor if needed.
I have found use of a journal or dictated notes very helpful. As a less thoughtful person, it can take me months to understand and accept how a wrong affects me. This is especially true for matters of the heart. A financial cost is easily calculated. The impact of personal rejection can hide in plain sight.
The value of acknowledging wounds becomes clear in the next two points…
Grieve before God
You can only grieve a loss you have counted. At a funeral, we stand by the body of the deceased. By our presence we acknowledge the reality of loss. This prepares us to do what needs to be done: grieve.
I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.
Psalms 6:6
God has given us the capacity to process the experiences of life: joy with laughter, love with embrace, grief with tears. Tears and cries are gifts of God, and it’s godly to grieve. When facing the cross, Jesus grieved. It was necessary to his own preparation for the ultimate act of grace. Even the Son of God could not forgive you without weeping over what it would cost him. Notice then how, having lost composure before the Father, he could rise and stand before his enemies?
The Lord knows what it is to be wronged. He knows what it costs to forgive. And he is closest to his children who suffer:
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
I have grieved more than once. Each occasion needs its own time and space. In the isolation of Covid, a wave of grief came for me. I chose to receive it. Behind closed doors, I wept. One morning alone with the Lord and my grief. And that was it.
So grieve. Grieve honestly. Grieve before the Lord. Grieve expectantly. The Lord is near. Grieving prepares us for the next step.
Absorb the debt
Jesus thinks debt is a good metaphor for wrongs. He says:
…and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Matthew 6:12
The metaphor is fitting. When someone is wronged, it’s a loss: the deprivation of something owed. Perhaps we are owed truth, or money, or respect, or love. Instinctively, we want people to make up for what was taken. So, the unforgiving heart demands that the debt be paid. But forgiveness makes no demands.
Forgiveness absorbs the debt. In order to forgive, we must have acknowledged the loss, then accept the cost. Jesus accepted our debt on the cross. He didn’t even demand a partial payment on our part. So to with us. You have been wronged. What is the ongoing cost to you? What recurring pain will you suffer? How long will it take to heal?
We can’t answer all these questions. But we can commit before the Lord to absorb the debt, the cost. And in so doing, ask his grace to uphold that commitment.
Forgiveness is more than letting go of the past. It’s absorbing the debt.
Release your debtor
This is the final stage. For me, this is where the feeling of forgiveness came.
Jesus graphically depicts unforgiveness. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the aggrieved servant was angry and “seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’” (Matt 18:28)
To release the debtor is the opposite. It’s to acknowledge the debt with them, and to graciously accept that debt. Then, release them to the Lord. When reconciliation is involved, it may mean doing this in person. If not, then do it in prayer. But either way, both of you are released.
They have committed injustice! Surely it’s wrong to let them go?
When we forgive, we give others an opportunity for grace. We give them time to repent. But the terrible (and wonderful) truth is that the Lord has set aside a day to judge. As it is written, “Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:9) When we release our debtor, we are releasing them to the Lord.
Why should I be the one to bear the cost?
“If you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” (1 Peter 3:14) God sees and will reward you. Follow Jesus’ example, who:
“While being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously.”
1 Peter 2:23
When we release the debtor, we entrust ourselves to God. He is not just righteous. He is generous. He is faithful. We have nothing to fear.
Conclusion
I have suffered two great blows over the years. I still bear the cost – daily. But I’m free. I’m closer to Jesus. I pray they are too.
Enjoy Jesus. Acknowledge your wounds. Grieve before God. Absorb the debt. Release your debtor.
You may go backwards. Old wound – new resentment. Just go back to the beginning. Enjoy Jesus and move forward in grace.
Grace be with you.